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JonBenét, Cancer-stricken Mom's Bombshell... I'M SORRY!

Patsy Ramsey has confessed that she regrets raising her daughter JonBenét to be a child beauty
pageant princess - because that probably caused her death, say sources.

"She now sees it as a terrible mistake" says an insider close to the family. "In one moving family
meeting, Patsy, 45, sobbed, "I'm sorry, so sorry."

Stricken once by cancer, Patsy is on a roller coaster battle for life - with her condition varying day
by day. On April 30, she was separately unwell. Six days later, her condition had markedly improved.

But sources say each day is haunted by the belief that pushing JonBenét into pageants may have
brought about her murder.

The former Miss West Virginia is now convinced that JonBenét's pageant performances may have
caught the eye of a pedophile who broke into the Ramsey mansion and killed the adorable 6 year old.
"At the time, she thought the kiddie beauty shows were all innocent fun, but now she often
apologizes to JonBenét in her prayers, telling her "Im sorry, my darling" says the insider.

Tired and weak from her renewed battle against cancer, Patsy is continually reciting scriptures that she hopes will heal her. As
she shuttles back and forth between her home in Atlanta and her medical facility in Maryland where is undergoing grueling
chemotherapy treatments, she clings to the belief that one day she will see her daughter again to explain just what happened.

Early this year, Patsy - who successfully battled ovarian cancer in the Mid '90's )I would call it
EARLY '90's) - was hit with the news she had dreaded. A routine check at the National Institute of
Heath in Bethesda, MD., revealed new evidence of the disease. "Once again, she was plunged into a
fight for life" says a source. "This time she knows that it will be even tougher to survive."

During Patsy's first bout with cancer, JonBenét was a 3 year old tyke whose smile and spirit inspired
her to endure the chemo ordeal that helped her beat it. But the stricken socialite now has only
memories of her little girl, and friends say that she is weary of the struggle though still determined to
pull through once again. She is currently enduring a regular and exhausting chemotherapy regimen.

One of her close friends, Sue Bennett, a North Carolina housewife who has a private Internet site that keeps up with the
Ramsey cause, reported on April 30, that Patsy was not doing well and was "quiet weak." But after a fourth round of
chemo,Bennett was more hopeful. On May 5 she reported "Patsy sounded great, she said she's having a really good day. The CT
scan shows no cancer. Her prognosis is very, very good."

To encourage her in her fight, Bennett and Patsy's supporters sent a portrait of Christ By Thomas
Kinkade, entitled Prince of Peace, To JonBenét's Mom just before Easter.

It carried an inscription from the Gospels, John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son."

Patsy was tremendously moved by the gift and hung it on the wall of the bedroom where she sleeps while taking chemo
treatments. She wrote on Bennett's site how affected she was by the gift when she returned to her home in Atlanta after a bout of
Chemo.

"I was just home" she said, "and received the beautiful Kinkade print of the face of Jesus. It is one of the loveliest gifts I’ve
ever received and the fact that it came from all the sweet people who supported us all these years makes it extra special"

"I'm keeping the face of Jesus before me and praying all the healing scriptures. I know God has a plan
for all of this and I'm resting in that peace. Love to you, Patsy"

She asked for the names and addresses of all the people who contributed to the gift, so she could send a personal, handwritten
thank you to each one. Normally, identities are keep confidential by Bennett.

For years, both Patsy and her former computer tycoon husband, John, 58, defended beauty pageants, even thought Patsy was
often attacked over the elaborate costumes she chose for JonBenét and the flirty poses she encouraged. She even had the little
pixie pose in a Las Vegas Shoe girl costume - almost identical to the one Patsy wore as a college student during her own beauty
queen career.

When Patsy was first stricken by aggressive stage 4 ovarian cancer in 1992, she believe she would never see her daughter
grow up. She explains that she wanted to fill JonBenét's life with memories of good times with her Mom. "I always worried that
my cancer would return," she says "Mother daughter experiences were to be treasure for me. If God did take me before JonBenét
grew up, I reasoned, I could leave her these memories" Now it seems different, pals say. Regret now weighs heavily on Patsy,
says the insider. "She often says she will be soon with JonBenét. When that happens, she says that she'll tell her "Lets talk," and
they'll play together like they used to.

Since JonBenét's horrific murder in 96, the Ramsey have been under a 'umbrella of suspicion'. But they have consistently
denied any knowledge of the crime, in which JonBenét was battered, garrotted and sexually assaulted in her Boulder, Colorado
home.

They have never been charged.

Andrew G. Hodges, M. D. a top forensic psychiatrist, tells GLOBE that Patsy's desire to write and thank her supporters is
extremely significant.

Hodges, who has not treated Patsy, says she is actually seeking forgiveness for what she may have
done to JonBenét. The expert consulted with investigators work on JonBenét's murder and wrote two
books about the case, Including who will speak for JonBenét? He is a specialist in psycho linguistics,
who delves in the deeper meaning of written and verbal communications, and identifies what the
uncoiled mind is really saying. "Only Patsy knows what happened on the night in '96," he says.

"I believe that in her message to her supporters she is really saying that she is desperately sorry and
seeks forgiveness. But her inner mind realizes that, according to her Christian code, there can be no
forgiveness until she confesses." "Patsy's words about praying all the healing scriptures are a plea for
mercy before she meets her maker.
As the apostle John wrote in the gospels "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." She wants to be set free
from this burden she has carried - her knowledge of what happened to JonBenet."

Despite Patsy's fight to conquer cancer once again, some friends fear that time may be running out.
Dr. Herman Catlove, of the American Cancer Society, who has not treated Patsy, says recovering after ovarian cancer
returns is very rare and improvement may simply indicated response to treatment, without lasting effect.

"There are days," adds the insider, "When Patsy just longs to see JonBenét Again"

-Dawna Kaufmann and Lynn Allsion

While Patsy Ramsey endured another last ditch chemotherapy treatment, her husband John went to church to talk about
JonBenet.

Although he has given interviews to carefully selected TV shows and networks before, he had not stood up in front of a group of
ordinary people and talked about the tragedy.

"A Gallup poll showed that more than 50 percent of the world think I had something to
do with JonBenet's death," he confessed. I'm not sure I understand why."

Amazingly, Ramsey also told about 100 members of a Sunday school class in Atlanta
that the brutal murder of the 6-year old beauty queen was NOT the worst experience of
his life. He claims JonBenet's death was just "a stepping stone" to finding an increased faith and trust in God.)

"Ten years ago, my daughter Beth was killed in an auto accident in Chicago, where she
had gone to meet the family of her boyfriend," Ramsey revealed during his speech at
the gigantic Church of the Apostles on May 5th.

"That was the lowest point of my life. It was also the turning point. I asked, "How could God let this happen? I had gone to
church and
considered myself a Christian. I thought I was protected by God."

Wearing a dark blue blazer, tan slacks and a maroon striped tie, Ramsey talked for about half an hour and showed few signs of
grief as he calmly talked about hte deaths of this two daughters.

"I know that Satan exists," he told parishoners.

With a benign smile on his face, he recalled that he was a casual Christian until Beth's
death. As he retreated spiritually and emotionally in grief and bitterness after the tragic car crash, he took the advice of a
longtime pal and attended a religious retreat in
Colorado, where he had a "vision" of the Lord.

"He was not the somewhat meek, long-haired almost hippie type that I had seen in so
many paintings and pictures," Ramsey said. "He appeared as very rugged and strong."

Later, he told the churgoers that he did not cry out and ask how God could let JonBenet
die.

"I knew there ws such evil in the world that could do this to a small child," said
Ramsey, 58. "People keep asking me why this happened."

As he stared down at the podium, JonBenet's father added in a hoarse whisper, "I say I don't know."

Before ending his speech and sitting alone in a side pew for the formal church service,
Ramsey told his spellbound audience that his trust in God is still growing, despite all
the pain he has endured.

"The big house, the big bank account and the job are all gone now," he said with a grin.
"I look forward to and have hope for the future, for without continued hope in life, there
is only death in front of us."